It really does seem like only a few weeks ago I was teaching all day out in Bang Na, and commuting back and forth everyday. It really doesn't feel real that I taught for But in one week I'll be back home and this journey to Asia will be behind me. Only turning towards better things, and looking straight ahead. I don't think I've ever been so aware of time as this past year, because I knew I was only here for a fixed amount of time. So there was sort of a ticking clock the whole time, that is now about to ring. I am about to come home to see everyone after being away for a year, I'm a little nervous but I think I'll fit right back into the swing of things.
But time does seem to fly by. The older you do get, the shorter a year feels. The more time blends together and days turn to weeks before you can realize what happened. The only thing you can do is really try to put what's important, close to you and cherish the times together. And a year can come and go so quickly, so what is a risk of a job somewhere for a bit, or doing something you really want to do? Time moves pretty quickly so always think of doing something that you really want to do. Life is limitless.
I just cant wait to get back to a little normalcy. I have been preparing for life at home now for basically a year. Can't wait to see how things turn out.
I just returned to Bangkok after a great month long trip in Laos. From riding a slowboat down the Mekong river, to celebrating the Lao New Year with water fights in Luang Prabang, to working on an organic mulberry farm, it was certainly a great trip. It has been so long since I spoke to Bri, which is pretty crazy, even though I haven't seen her in almost 11 months. I had a lot of time to myself and some humbling work really helped me to put things in perspective. Living life with not much stimulation after being constantly charged at Loyola is a pretty wild transition. And my year in Bangkok is coming to an end but I have learned a lot while being here.
Sorry I sometimes seem crazy. Sorry I often times seem lonely. Sorry I sometimes lead seemingly antiamerican rants. Sorry I have an ugly beard. Sorry I am a little too polar. Sorry I seem like I have no fun. Life can be a little tough when you spend too much time alone. But I really only want to be with the one girl who has ever made me truely happy. You are my shining b, my love that can transcend distance. Everything is going to be ok when I get back to Baltimore. You know me, sometimes you just have to slap me across the face and say... "J....come on.." but thats who I am, and I cant picture a scenario in life where someone would bring you the energy, love, affection..and little surprises that I give you. Maybe not during this year, but we have many years (hopefully) left on our journey through life together. I wouldnt want to ride on the roller coaster of life with anyone else. You are B, I'm J, and we know how to push eachothers buttons, make eachother feel like we are the luckiest people alive, and make each other feel at peace. What else could you want? If life was so easy, why would you want to go through with it? It is the bumps in the road, and the months of not talking, that make it all worth it in the end. And I can promise you babe, that it will be worth it. Just have to trust the process.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
This video is only 9 minutes and incredibly beautiful. 9/7/11
So I'm currently working on an organic mulberry farm in Laos. Life starts and ends early here. My kind of life. There isn't any internet on the farm so I had to hitchhike into town just to get to a computer.
But It is under a month until I get home which I could not be more pumped for. I'm not really sure what the plans going to be when I get back to the US, but I know I cant wait to see Brianna and my family and everyone else I haven't seen for a year!
There are some farrr out people here on the farm. Mostly people from France and Europe, who seemingly are "rejects" or "drifters" but honestly have graced me with more wisdom that most adults I know back home. All I know is I want to continue to live a fulfilled life, whatever that means. No selling out, no settling for things. Just me and Bri and the open road.
Staying here in Laos for probably another 2-3 weeks....
I'm currently in the Colombo airport in Sri Lanka about to head back to Bangkok. What an amazing vacation of surfing, good food, and cultural exchanges. Defiantly the vacation I was looking for. I'm about head back to Bangkok with a little less than 2 months until I come back to the US, with literally nothing to do. It is almost a little daunting, but i'm sure I can occupy my time with working out, basketball, reading and what not. While the whole time wanting to get back home, so I can unpack all my things, enjoy some Stella's pizza, say hello to everyone in Belmont, and then head straight down to Baltimore to see Bri. Until these past 2 weeks or so, it almost seemed as a distant memory that I would actually be heading to Bmore soon. But now that it is happening, I cant stop thinking about it. To have a beautiful women waiting for you to come home is one of the most comforting feelings a man can have. We have both been waiting for this for way to long. A year didn't seem like a huge thing to undertake, but holy heck, it is a really long time.
Some people have asked me if I am scared or nervous to see Bri again, and I never really know how to answer the question. Like I don't think so, but then again, not seeing someone for a year and then jumping into a full fledged relationship is a huge change of events. We have both changed a lot over the year, for better or worse, and probably in completely different ways. So I am really looking forward to seeing how our new personalities mesh and what great things result from that.
There really isn't anything like the beach. A place where the mind can free itself and the body can relax. And if you can get a $10 hotel across the street from the water, it makes it even better. I still remember the day when Bri and I went up to New Hampshire to Hampton Beach back in August of 2011. We weren't even dating but I had one of the best days I had in a long time. Great food, sunny skies and sprinting into the ocean to get cool are my tenets of a great time. The beach does something to you. It symbolizes the start of summer, and in that, happiness.
All I want to do now is plan a vacation with Bri somewhere with open roads, blue skies and cold beers.
Today we are departing the beautiful mountain town of Nuaraleyah. It is a 19th century tea plantation town set up in the mountains of central Sri Lanka. Absolutely beautiful. I have never been to a place like this so it is a little hard to describe.
Life out of a backpack is awesome, it has been so long since I've been travelling that I forgot how freeing the feeling of the open road is.
Sri Lanka is certainly the most off the beaten track place that I have been too... It is like nothing in SE Asia.
This trip just makes me more and more excited for our summer adventures. I can't stop picturing life in Tenn with B.
I had been getting a little stressed in Bangkok, not sure why, maybe a little homesick, maybe a little bored since our work ended, but life here has given me a fresh perspective and a fresh set of energy that I need to carry for the next....60 something days, until our hearts are no longer apart and life will try to return to normalcy.
When you are off living by yourself, there aren't that many things that attach you to anything. You can come and go as you please, and you only act when you really feel like acting. Things are fully up to you. There is no one to tell you when to go to bed, or anyone elses obligations that you have to fulfill.
Living in Bangkok and having everyone I know back home makes things feel distant at times. All that on top of trying to figure out how to somehow find a job and make things work on those fronts. Im trying to find something I remotely enjoy doing, while staying close to home and to the heart. Right now I have no idea where I might be in one year, and that is totally ok by me.
When you have basically everything you want, there isn't much to talk about. It's more about then using what you have. You know. I just want to go out there and go to national parks. I want to go to the beach. I want to BBQ. I want to stay up late and go for a walk around the neighborhood just listening to treefrogs. But where I am is not where I have been imagining being. When my mom came to visit it put things in perspective and gave me a real taste of home. And with Bri there, and family, well mom, dad, nana and grampy, It really makes me want to be there. To take in everything that is offered and make the most of my time. That is probably why I get bogged down the most, I'm always trying to make the most of my time, and often times in that am not making the most of my time.
Just get me to a backroad asap.....
But it is crazy what idle time can do to the mind. Most people talk about not having enough time, so they are stressed and tired after a day of work. My work is over and the horizon is clear.
I have some huge opportunities coming this summer with roadtrips planned to Tennessee and Kentucky. The large music festival is going to finally happen this summer as well. Wow that has been so overdue. Alas, summer. Freedom of mind.
Going to Sri Lanka tomorrow for 2 weeks, should be something. Surfing, jungles and who knows what. Photos to come.
"Cause I'm no superman, I hope you like me as I am. " I have been wanting to write something like this for a while now. If you were given a piece of blank notebook paper, and enough time to express all of your ideas, how would you write down exactly how you would want your life to turn out? Would you be romantic and talk about wanting to spend lavish summer's on the coast of France and how things were going to work out perfectly, and the mansion you always wanted would be no problem to buy. What would be your profession in your dream world? Where would you want to live? What would be the course of action that you would take if you were to think about how the next 60 odd years were going to turn out? From the way I see things, things are going to turn out as things are going to turn out. I've been thinking about if you "join the corps" how awesome that's going to be. Connecting on the "first level" is so important. You would be in a position to work 1 on 1 with students where you could help them learn to become a good students and work on a lifestyle that is conducive to learning. The intimacy of tutoring is something that is virtually impossible to achieve in a traditional classroom setting. And that is so much more critical to a child's development that simply going to school and going through the motions. Working within the first level is something I really want to be part of as well. Not to be an idealistic 23 year old, but if everyone kicks in a little wouldn't at least some things get better? At least right now I know I definitely don't want to work for some large structure, where it isn't clear how your input leads to an output. At the end of the day, if someone you worked with walks away a better person that I was working with, then I would call that a productive day. Bri always talks about how she wants to work with people not necessarily for people. Teaching has really shown me a lot about myself so far this year. This is the last week of the semester, so I have been looking back on things and discerning on how the entire experience has been. It really it is a job where what you put in is exactly what you are going to get out. If you are tired and almost bored in class, your students are going to notice right away and that is going to be the tempo. If you come to class with a great lesson planned and a good energy, then you usually will have a great class where the students get engaged, and almost forget they are learning for a second. The feeling of seeing a student grow over the course of the semester is awesome. I mean like seeing a child grow up but to a way lesser degree. After 2 semesters of teaching you really see how disciplined you are when it comes to teaching. There is no one who is ever going to supervise you or see you teach so it truly is up to you. It is all up to you.
Being in Bangkok has sort of been like this for me. In high school, every friday was the big football game, you would prepare all week just for one game. You would watch a ton of film, prepare for the opponent strengths and practice different things to prepare for any scenario in the game. I have done so much time here in bangkok "preparing" for life back home that it is really building up into something now. I have been putting so much effort into thinking about how I want to live at home and they way by which I want to go about things. Almost too much, but just like football, preparation means nothing without the execution of the plan. I really don't know what I want out of life, or what I really want to do with most of my time. I'm only 23 years old. I'm going to mess up. I'm going to say dumb things. I'm not always going to go in the right direction. But I do think what I'm doing now is working in life. I think I really do have a good head on my shoulders and never mean to come off as someone who is a "know it all" but I do think I am confident about certain things because I feel strongly about whatever it may be, and want other people to get on the same level as me. I only try to push people upwards. It takes a certain type of person to belittle people, and I can't imagine ever acting like that. People have called me, arrogant, selfish, cocky, and overly confident. But those terms are all relative and depend what side you are speaking from. I'm sure everyone who wasn't on the Bulls called Michael Jordan those things, but all of his teammates called him by far the teammate they have ever had. Not only because he was such a great basketball player, but he demanded the most of his teammates each and every day. He wasn't unrealistic in his demands, he just wanted each person to be the best player they could be each and every day, and if you didn't do that he would sure let you know. Not to put you down, but simply to remind you of where you can get to. Im no MJ but I shooting for the stars is what I have always done, and always will do. I'm no where near being perfect, I'll probably never even be near that level, but I will try, every single day to be a better person. I might upset a few people along the way, but I can tell you my train is headed for great things and good times ahead. That just begs the question, do you want to be an enemy or a teammate. It is just always important to try to imagine where people are coming from when they speak because one persons enemy can be another person's hero based on how they perceive what the person says.
Im no superman, just a guy from Boston madly in love with dreams sky high.. I am who I am, and I hope you like me for that.
It is always important to give thanks for the people in your life who make you smile and make you want to leave whatever you are doing to be with them. B, a moment doesn't go by where I don't picturing being with you. May can't come soon enough. Im excited to come home and find who we are together, and continue the crazy times we left off at.
I always tend to think that when you think about something too often, it becomes so aware to your consciousness because it is always on your mind. And on the flip side, if you never think about something, it usually isn't picked up in your daily perception. I always think of this in terms of cars. If you say and think that there are so many silver cars on the road, then you are going to notice all of the silver cars because it is is your direct state of memory. And you will overlook the other cars, because you aren't focusing your entire attention on them.
This can been see on so many other levels, especially when it comes to our personalities. "Ignorance is bliss" is an example of this, meaning if you don't think of something, it doesn't really "exist" because perception is reality. If you go through life, ignoring worldly news, ignoring negative things about you or the relationships you have, and ignoring your role in the universe, then you will never have a fair estimate of who you really are. We can't all be the center of attention all of the time. There are times for that, but focusing on things from the most objective terms you can imagine will help you to create positive relationships with the people and environment around you.
Looking back and thinking about how the things you do affect the people around you, is one of the most classic lessons we are taught, but it is also one of things things that people have the hardest time with. Realizing your faults and coming to terms with them is a huge sign of maturity. I'm not perfect, and I don't know anyone that truly is, so we all have things that we can work on and do to make ourselves and the people around us comfortable.
I never really thought of this but everyone sort of creates their own "versions" of memories. So everyone has their own bias in remembering memories and then creates sort of their own world that they live in. A world with their rules. So that even when people do "bad" things, they sort of dismiss them from their mind and only focus on "good" things. So that you almost forget times that you were bad and thus create a false reality that you put yourself in.
Sort of a weird logic, but I think many people do this. It seems like it leads to a life that can be smashed in at any minute, and people's realities crash in on themselves. No one really acts completely illogically, I mean in the moment people usually have a certain justification for what they are doing. So that makes things really interesting when people act in a way that you can't understand at all; I mean they aren't doing things intentionally wrong (unless they are sociopathic, and that is a whole 'nother blog topic)
However, this world that we create for ourselves can come crashing down if you eventually realize that what is was compromised of, was actually based on a misinterpretation of things. Thats why is it always important to be honest with yourself. You should try to always be aware of your actions and comments and how they affect you and others around you. If you do something awesome, then be pumped, thats how you should feel. Always take time in your day to do things that just make you feel good. But then on the other hand, if you mess up, don't meet a certain goal, fail a test, go through a breakup, get a negative review at work, or even something much smaller like show up late for something, or say something stupid to a friend, you shouldn't let those things crash in your world. They are significant events and in the moment seem like the entire world, but don't let seemingly bad things that happen to you get in the way of your character. Just because something bad happens to you doesn't mean you are a bad person. But on the other hand, you shouldn't ignore the bad things that happen to you, and pretend like nothing happened. Things usually don't work out for a particular reason. You didn't study enough or took too long and were late to something. If you did something wrong, it's ok, but you should always think about ways to improve your behaviors so that these things dont happen again. No one can be perfect, but you should set your goals high. Even if you stumble, maybe even stumble a few times, you should always be thinking about the top of the tree. It is important to have goals in mind and a person you want to be. You have to hold yourself to a standard, or you almost drift off into like a summer vacation mode where you sort of become useless by the end. Dream of the person you want to be, then go out there and be him. Even if you fall, or eff up, just be better the next time, that's all you can ask for.
Or you can just love, because that usually works for me..
I need to start this off by saying I'm currently in the teacher's lounge, with 3 other teachers, awkwardly crying and laughing at the same time listening to Kings of Leon thinking how awesome life is right now. It is so crazy that things could have worked out so well this far..
Over the past 8 months, I have certainly had a lot of time to myself. I have had a lot of time to get on top of my stuff and figure out which direction I want to move forward. And so far everything has gone according to plan. Im becoming less crazy, or at least trying to, trying to work on long term goals, and not giving in to what others want. Im the main character of "The Life of Jeff" so I really want the story to turn out well. I have had a lot of time to myself to think about how I want things in life to be. I haven't really thought so much about "the plan" before because I was always occupied with the moment. College really took a toll on me emotionally because my mind and heart were invested in so many areas, and I needed to give 100% attention or else those goals would not have been met, so I didn't always have state of mind to be thinking about the future. Now, I don't want to say life is on pause, because that is not what it is like at all, but rather, I eliminated a lot of the distractions so I could really focus on myself and what I exactly want. I have had a lot of time to myself to get in the best physical shape I have been in before, which has been like a 10 year goal coming full circle. I have had a lot of time to start living the life I spent 4 years of college trying to script out; and things look pretty good so far. I have had a lot of time to myself to think about my role in my relationship with Bri, and how I see us moving on in the future. This is the girl I want to be with, so now its figuring out how we are going to move forward, not if. But this whole time that I have had to myself to do all of this, I haven't been alone. Not for a single second. Bri has been with me 100% of the time, maybe not in front of me with me, but her values and presence is forever instilled in me. I can't go anywhere without having Bri's lessons with me. She is someone who dares me to do the right thing, someone who doesn't expect anything short of my best effort. It helps me in more situations than you could imagine, where I really don't want to do something, or give less than 100%, and I just hear Bri saying "J......Come on" and for some reason it gives me the best motivation and strength that I have experienced before.
They do say Boston girls have an edge....
And that is certainly true with Bri.. Together we form a pretty intense couple who puts a lot of effort and energy into most things we do. And whenever you invest all of your emotional energy into something, there are bound to be times where the waves heat up and tensions rise. But that's the great thing about being in a relationship, at the end of the day, you are on the same team. And of course teammates fight, argue and battle, because they are around each other so much and investing all of their emotional energy into something. But as the saying goes, "It's about the name on the front of the jersey, not the back." Meaning the team is more important than the individual. Of course there is going to be tensions in the early going, look at any great duo in any facet of life. Especially two people with very intense personalities who like to take leadership roles. They didn't start off the best, they weren't always on the same page. Sometimes they would criticize each other to get the most out of the other person, to help the team. Greatness takes time. And when both people are trying to lead, you both get no where. That is what is so great about a great team, everyone is a star and a leader, but they know when to defer and let others lead, depending on the circumstance. And that can't be learned overnight, it takes many years and practice with the other person.
Bri, we are in the early stages of something great. We can't expect to be the best right now, but that can be a goal. We have to accomplish the current tasks at hand, and not look past it. Each goal and part of the relationship is just as important as any other part. They are ALL necessary in order to get that long term success.
You are the person I wake up thinking about, and the person I fall asleep to at night, you are my lover, my teammate, my driver, my cook, my everything.
Let's ride this wave out B. See where it takes us.
Sundays are a great time to rewind. When you can just kick back, get a little time to yourself and have a moment to take a deep breath before Monday morning comes around. Sundays should be a day to focus on things, read a book and treat yourself with something you don't normally eat during the week. You should live simply and not always be focusing on goals or tasks, but doing something for yourself just to do it. Living in live.
Doing things outdoors is always the right call. A good portion of Sundays should be spent outside.. temperature dependent of course. But crisp fall Sundays and football is probably my favorite time of year anyway...
"If love was a barrier, deep within the deepest sea, the challenge that rest upon us is destiny, so let it be."
Even though I have been living in Bangkok, where an 75 degree day, feels extremely freezing, I am still pumped for summer back home in Boston. There really is nothing like a good summer in Mass. The perfect weather, long days on the beach down the cape, endless BBQ's, and beautiful sunsets. But in 111 days I will be home, assuming I make it through a 2 week excursion in Sri Lanka, and a 4-5 week cross country road-trip around Thailand.
But I am really excited to come home for a few reasons:
(in no particular order)
1. Cape Cod
2. Being around family.
3. Anna's burritos.
4. Competitive basketball.
5. Harvard Sq.
6. Morning run's on the charles river.
7. Roadtrips.
8. expensive, low quality food (kidding)
9. Home cooking.
10. O yeah...being around that girl named Brianna!
But as my time is winding down here in Thailand, something I'm trying to do is not look to far ahead in the future. The moment is where my life is at, and although so many good things are on the horizon, I cant lose sight of the opportunity at hand, and the moments that I will never be able to relive again. This past 8 months have been some of the coolest times in my entire life. And I have not regretted coming here for a milisecond. But if i could just push a button, fast forward 111 days and be hanging with Bri somewhere down the cape, I wouldn't. Even though I really would want to, I want to be here, in the moment, doing what I'm doing. And when I board the flight to head back to the US, then I will start thinking of the things at home, and getting excited to be back, but until then, appreciating Thailand for all it has to offer is my main goal.
Its been a few days since my last blog post, but that has nothing to do with current levels of love. Life recently couldn't be better. Things in Bangkok are perfect...and the weather has even gotten a little cooler! But I want to talk about certain moments in time. The moments where you are sitting out looking over the ocean, or at a bar, or just sitting on your couch and all you can do is look around and smile. One of those innocent "wow how did I get here" smiles. I had one of these moments yesterday while out on a fishing trip with all of the guys. It was actually an awesome trip, around 15 of us guys headed out an hour outside of the city and had a blast catching giant Mekong Catfish. They were around 50 poinds! Which was by far the biggest fish most of us had ever seen. But we were having a great day just drinking beers, enjoying the sun, and channeling on man sides. But there was a moment after I had just caught a fish, I sat down on and just looked out. Everyone was fired up, laughing and having a good time. It was around 4pm, so that great sunlight was out where everything seems perfect. I was just sitting there and couldnt stop thinking about how I was sitting at a small lake about an hour outside of Bangkok. Out of all of the potential places in the world to be; I was here. And it was perfect. And what made it even better is the fact that I have a women in my life named Brianna who makes everything I do in life a little bit better. Even when my crazy, wide eyed girl isn't there with me, like as in yesterday. She is there in my heart (not in a lame mushy way) and always there to help me appreciate the moment. But I couldn't help to picture sitting out down the cape just at the beach around sunset, laying with B, and laughing at the fact that life is almost too perfect to be alive. And that brings up another question.
"how deep can a love affair get if you dont know the darkest recesses of your lovers soul?"
This brings up a good point. I feel that not just specific to relationships, but whichever endeavor you are engaging yourself in, it is imperative that you know exactly what you are dealing with. In the case of a relationship, it is essential to lay all your cards on the table early on. Nothing would be worse than after putting your heart and soul into something you learn something out down the line that would get in the way of the relationship, and potentially upset it. But instead, putting everything in the open early on, you can realize what cards people are holding and how to move on with the current situation at hand, and not be shocked by it later on. And love can't reach its full potential if you haven't ventured into the darkest areas. So my philosophy: just let the other person know what the deal is, and there shouldn't be many problems.
And if you have a boss girlfriend like Bri... you really shouldnt have many issues.
Look forward to many blogs coming the next few months!! Our hearts are in the home stretch of being apart.
