Into the Looking Glass.

"The World Has Turned and Left Me Here" By Weezer. 

 
Is there a breaking point where I think things will slow down and I will truly accept myself?

I think that is the point of life sort of. I think that most people wake up to try to become fully content with things, while trying to do some cool things along the way. Of course I would say that I am fully content with things right now in life, and that I am good enough for me, I mean I want to say that. I try to give of the impression a lot of the time that thats the way things are. But honestly I think there are some critical decisions where I missed crucial advice about something and might have made a decision where an I "couldn't believe that was me" kind of moment occurred. I'm sure it's not just me, but I feel that there are several seemingly unimportant, but actually incredibly huge moments that I feel In my own consciousness I sort of overlooked. Somethings are much more important than others. Like one little decision let the flood gates open, but that's life i guess. Rolling with the punches as they come. 
I don't want to say that I live in "my own bubble" a lot of the time, but I do think I, like many people, shape their memories in a way that might be be perceived differently by someone else. Meaning, overlooking negative experiences and only focusing on the positive ones. But that can sometimes can be problematic, like anything else, when pushed to an extreme. 
But I still feel a little on edge about things. I don't know exactly why, maybe just living thousands of miles from home and   not being sure on my next move can cause some uneasy feelings. Recently, life has sort of been reminding me of a movie. Like when in a really good movie, about an hour and a half in, when there is a lull for a bit, and as the viewer you are DYING to know what happens next. That is where I think I am right now. On one hand it is a really cool feeling. But at this point in life at 22 years old, I really don't know if I am good enough for myself know because I am changing and developing every day, so I don't even know exactly who I want to be. So I think this chapter of life is moving a little to quickly to say If I am truly good enough for myself because I still have so much left in life that I would like to do, rather am going to do, and places I want to go, and great late talks had, and nights of having one too many glasses of wine. So I think I have a lot more potential with who I want to become. I love who I am now, I have actually always loved Jeff Parsons. It's a humbling feeling when you can love the good and the bad, or positive and negative things about your self. It is vitally important to love yourself and to be happy with who you are and being content with how the cards were dealt. But honestly, I think I will be more content with things I when get more recognition from others. How you view yourself is ultimately important, but being viewed by others is important too, just the ways things are I guess. But things have been moving pretty quickly and the sand is still floating around. Things haven't settled yet, so I guess I am waiting to see how things look when the sand settles back to the bottom.

When will you be good enough for you? Is there some breaking point where you will accept everything about yourself?

This might be a few years away..

 With young adolescents, adolescents, young adulthood, and adulthood, there is always some sort of self consciousness that lingers. And the thought that what your doing might not be the "right" thing to do, whatever that means. And the notion that will those around you stick around when your decisions might be different from others? But I mean of course I want more, everyone does. But right now, I honestly am so happy with myself and the things I have ben able to do over the years. I mean I'm living in Bangkok where it is sunny every day, am playing on a competitive international lacrosse team, have a beautiful girlfriend who makes me proud every single day, and a smile on my face when I wake up, in my book, it could get a lot worse. 

Does anyone ever truly accept themselves? or are some people just really good at faking that they totally accept themselves? I think we all fall somewhere in between and try to live in a way where we can look back and respect the decisions that we made.